I woke up this morning with a feeling of immense gratitude. I’m not saying that I’m usually not grateful for certain things in my life. Of course I am, although I am aware that I sometimes don’t express it as often as I should. The one thing that made me feel very grateful specifically this morning, is the element of trust in my marriage. Reflecting on some of the situations and challenges other people are faced with, I felt and still do feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I don’t have to go through such things.
I don’t know how I would handle being in a marriage without trust. I don’t think I would be able to handle it quite honestly. How would I feel at ease, not feeling secure every time my husband was not with me?
- Do I pick up the phone to see if he answers?
- Try to find out who he is with or where exactly he is?
- Should I check his itemised billing every time I become suspicious?
- Should I follow him?
- Should I check his phone and his emails?
- Should I check his bank statements to see what he is spending money on?
Just typing all of that sounds so exhausting so I could not imagine being in such a marriage. Whilst it may seem a bit extreme, some people do go through extreme lengths to “investigate” their partner if they don’t feel secure. A few years back, I knew someone who hired a private investigator to check on their other half because of insecurity. Then there are some who use mobile applications to track their partners whereabouts. If it’s only for safety reasons and it is agreed to beforehand, I think it’s acceptable .
Trust Them, not Control them
Being married to someone doesn’t mean that you own them, so insecurity should not lead to you being “controlled” by someone. If you are in a relationship and contemplating marriage, it is important to work and resolve the trust issues before getting married. Not doing so, sets you up for a marriage that is doomed to fail or be very unhappy due to a lack of trust.
Being married is about a partnership. A partnership that is built on trust. Without that foundation of trust, it becomes hard to love or be in love with that person due to the insecurity and the issues related to insecurity as a result.
If you are in a relationship and you currently don’t trust the other person, see that as a sign as that you are not ready to be married to each other. I am not saying that you will never be ready; look at options on how to resolve the trust issues. Seek professional help if need be. When you’ve done everything you can to try to work out the trust issues and it still isn’t resolved, then consider going your separate ways. Love alone, without trust, is not enough to keep a marriage or a relationship together – well, you may be together but not in every sense of the word. There cannot be happiness where there is no trust.
Trust is about being comfortable to be YOU
A lack of trust isn’t just related to infidelity issues. Trust is also about being able to trust yourself first and foremost. Trust is also about being able to be yourself with your other half. Do you trust that person enough to share your feelings with them? Or do you bottle them up and hurt inside because of the fear of embarrassment?
When you are afraid or have something on your mind, are you comfortable and trust that person enough to talk to them? Who are you when you are with that special someone and do you become someone else when you are with your friends?
Trust is about letting go and being yourself and feeling absolutely at ease without any fear of being judged or ridiculed in any way. Trust is about being able to be you, unapologetically so and having the other person love and appreciate you for who you truly are.
If you love me, you’ll change!
Don’t fall into a trap of changing for someone – to be what they want you to be…unless of course it’s what you want for yourself as well. If you’re doing it just to please them and hurting inside, are you being honest with yourself? Sometimes people do this and later on, give up as it becomes too exhausting to try to be someone they are not.
In a relationship, you strive to impress the other person and that’s all good, until it becomes unreasonable, where you find yourself so fixated on pleasing the other person, that you lose yourself in the process. It’s easy to get carried away at this stage.
Always take the time to self reflect. If need be, speak to a trusted friend or family member and ask them to assess your situation – if they care, they will be honest enough to let you know that you’re losing yourself.
Learn to Trust and let go of the past
One of the most common reasons relationships and marriages don’t work out, is because of the lack of trust. In some instances, there are no reasons to not trust someone, however, due to past experiences, we continue to look back instead of forward.
- Just because someone betrayed you in the past and broke that trust somehow, doesn’t mean that every person is the same
- Always give the person the benefit of doubt and only if and when that person does something to betray your trust in them, then you have a reason to doubt them
- Don’t let them suffer for the past experiences you have had. This is not only unfair to the person, but also to yourself and the relationship
How will you welcome love into your life from a trustworthy person, if you’re stuck in the past, thinking and holding onto how much someone hurt you. If this is the case, then it means you are not over that episode in your life and you are not ready for a new relationship.
If you are among those of us who do have trust in your relationship/marriage, do not take it for granted. Communicate to your partner how happy this makes you feel. Unless you’ve experienced betrayal of trust before, you will not understand just how precious it is to have that element of trust in your life and if you have it, cherish it!
Like I always say, life is too short to be anything but happy. So if you’re experiencing trust issues, find ways to deal with it. Insecurity is not attractive and is furthermore destructive. I’ve experienced it in my life in the past so I know what it feels like, certainly not a chapter in my life I’d ever want to revisit. BUT, I’ve learned from it and because I experienced the bad, I appreciate the good. For that reason, the days in my life are not wasted on insecurity and for that, I feel at peace and I do believe that that is a blessed way to feel.
I wish the same for you and I do hope that whatever challenges you may be experiencing in this context, will soon be nothing but a distant memory, one that you can look back at and smile and say, “look at how far I’ve come”. That will be a sign of growth and there’s always an opportunity to learn and to grow – to improve our relationships from where they are to where we would like them to be.
Trust yourself and believe that things will get better and then make them happen!